My secret gay agenda, let me show you it

On 19 June, 2008, in Random Thoughts, by C. Scott Davis

There was a recent post on a Doctor Who site about the idea that Russell T. Davies is pursuing some kind of “secret gay agenda”, simply because he doesn’t make every character automatically straight by default1. The subject seems to show up every time we see a non-straight character (this time because a character in last week’s episode casually referred to her ex as “she”), and the discussions tend to run the full range from interesting and well-thought-out (on both sides of the issue) to mindlessly homophobic.

I have my own serious thoughts on the subject… but instead I give you this, from when the issue came up last series:

Gay Agenda

1 Hey, I never claimed to be unbiased on the subject.

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God sues Westboro Baptist Church

On 2 August, 2006, in News Parodies, Parodies, by C. Scott Davis
God hates figs

Members of the Westboro Baptist Church spread their message of hatred and bad spelling.

HEAVEN — God (aka “Yahweh”, aka “Jehovah”, aka “Allah”), creator of the Universe and founder of at least three of the world’s major religions, today filed a lawsuit against Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church for Libel, Slander, and Defamation of Character.

“They’re saying some pretty awful things about Me,” God stated, during a press conference, held outside the pearly gates, “I’ll admit that when I was younger, I was pretty angry sometimes, and I might’ve said and done a few things that I regret now, but the truth is, I don’t hate anyone. I’m a loving God, and I think anyone who really knows Me will tell you that. I’m simply not about hate.”

“Who does God think He is anyway?” responded WBC Spokesperson Shirley Phelps-Roper, as she put the finishing touches on the church’s new ‘God Hates God’ signs, “If He persists with this frivolous lawsuit, He can rest assured that God will strike Him down.”

The WBC claims, among other things, that God hates homosexuals, hates America, kills US soldiers, and sends destructive weather such as Hurricane Katrina to punish us for our sins.

“It simply isn’t true,” God continued, “I mean, these people do understand how weather works, right? Sure, I set the whole system in motion a long time ago, but I certainly don’t control every individual storm. Oh, and that bit about figs? I love figs. I think they’re delicious. I especially like those tiny little cakes with the fig in the middle. Those are brilliant!”

Upon hearing the initial evidence, the judge issued a Temporary Injunction, ordering the WBC to immediately Cease and Desist distributing or otherwise displaying any signs, banners or pamphlets which claim to know the Will of God, and to remove all references to God from their web site and other literature, until the case is resolved.

“If they hate gay people so much,” God said, in conclusion, “Let them put that on their signs. Just leave Me out of it.”


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Gay Marriage responsible for Global Warming

On 9 June, 2006, in News Parodies, Parodies, by C. Scott Davis

This diagram shows how a buildup of Gaysium Ions within the Homosphere disrupts the natural flow of vital energies to the Earth.

LYNCHBURG, VA (Fox News) — Top scientists from the prestigious Theological Physics Department of Liberty University today announced findings that identify gay marriage as the single largest contributing factor to global warming.

“The indications are all there,” University Weatherologist Dr. Theobald Arquente D.D. told UnNews. “The recent increase in the number of gay marriages has caused the Homosphere’s… uhhh, entropic density to expand, which probably… reversed the… uh, polarity of the, uh, neutron flow, leading to a dramatic increase in temperature.”

“It’s all terribly scientific and complicated, but it clearly shows that gay marriage is the main cause of global warming.”

The University’s Probability and Prophecy department predicts that if the number of gay marriages continues to increase at the current rate, there will be an average of 5 gay marriages per person, by the year 2026.

“By that time, the atmosphere will no longer be able to withstand the weight of the Homosphere, and the Earth will be crushed… probably into a black hole or something,” Dr. Arquente added.

Although the full report is not yet available, University scientists are confident of their preliminary findings.

“Of course, it is just a theory, like evolution or intelligent design, so there is some speculation involved,” Dr. Arquente said in conclusion, “But we did spend many hours of exhaustive research — by which I mean prayer, and used lots of scientific words… Plus, I mean, just look at the chart. It doesn’t get much clearer than that.”


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The Secret Cowboy Agenda

On 6 February, 2006, in Rants, by C. Scott Davis

Brokeback Mountain

Even if you haven’t seen it, you’d have to have been living in a cave not to have heard about it, or all of the controversy surrounding it.

The biggest concern that many people have over this film is that it sends a clear message to our nation’s impressionable youth: It is okay to be a cowboy.

For a lot of people, this is very troubling, and I have to admit that I am one of them.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not cowboyphobic. I think that whatever people do in the privacy of their own rodeo circuit is their business. I just don’t think we need to legitimise the cowboy lifestyle, or as this film has done, glamorise it.

I worry that films such as Brokeback Mountain are going to cause young people, especially gay young people, to be tempted to experiment with cowboyality, and while I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with being a cowboy, I wouldn’t want my son to be one.

It’s perfectly normal to be curious. I think most of us have probably wondered what it would be like to wear spurs or rope a steer, but that doesn’t mean we’re actually going to do it (okay, maybe that one time in college, but that doesn’t count).

The problem is that Brokeback Mountain is really just the latest attempt to make being a cowboy seem like a perfectly normal way of life. Sure, there has always been a subtle cowboy subtext in popular culture (take, for example, “slash” fiction – where fans write cowboy stories about their favourite fictional characters), but the critical and popular success of this film moves that subtext out of the closet and thrusts it firmly in the face of mainstream society.

I am also troubled by the possibility that our treasured gay icons have been irreparably tarnished by this film. Now when we see a beloved gay character, we can’t help but wonder if they might’ve secretly been a cowboy. Before Brokeback Mountain, such a thought would’ve never occurred to me, but now I’m haunted by the prospect of Carroll “Toddy” Todd in a Stetson and chaps.

I’m not suggesting censorship or trying to promote cowboyphobia here. I just don’t want to have to see so much cowboyness everywhere I look. From Cowboy Pride Parades to Cowboy Marriage, we are being constantly bombarded with cowboy-related issues and images, and frankly I’m sick of it.

I say if they want to be cowboys, fine, but why can’t they just keep quiet about it?

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