Raptu-lert

On 16 November, 2006, in Other Parodies, Parodies, by C. Scott Davis
Raptu-lert

During the Rapture, seconds count. Give yourself the peace of mind that you can only get from Raptu-lert!

There are several systems on the market that claim to provide a 30-second to 2-minute warning of impending Rapture. The most popular of these is the Raptu-lert (pictured), which also has a battery backup and 3-year warranty (although actual Rapture-protection is not guaranteed).

The Raptu-lert has three modes that determine which type of alarm will sound, in case of Rapture:

  • Tone – A very loud, obnoxious bleeping sound.
  • Voice – A voice (probably Jesus, however the manual doesn’t specify) shouting “Repent! Repent!”
  • Radio – The nearest Christian radio station.

Rumour has it that the original alarm featured Jesus announcing “I’m coming! I’m coming! Oh, God! I’m coming!” but since the manufacturer has denied it and the first batch of Raptu-lerts were recalled to the factory (supposedly for a minor defect in the test button), there’s no way to confirm this.

Following the huge success of the Raptu-lert, the manufacturer has announced plans to produce a smaller, portable version, which can be carried as a key-chain, and is expected to be available during the first quarter of 2008 (barring imminent Rapture prior to the release date).

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Doctor Whose Line is it Anyway?

On 29 October, 2006, in Other Parodies, Parodies, by C. Scott Davis
Doctor Whose Line

"Improvise! Improvise!"

Doctor Whose Line is it Anyway? featured four contestants who were forced to improvise a convincing Doctor Who storyline, while being chased around by a Dalek.

The series was wildly popular among coma victims and household pets, but was suddenly cancelled in 1996, when the Dalek was accidentally released into the wrong studio and exterminated everyone on the set of Can’t Cook, Won’t Cook.

Immediately following its cancellation, the BBC wisely destroyed all existing copies of the series, even going so far as to also hunt down and destroy the entire cast and crew, just to be safe.

In 2002, a man claimed to have every episode on video tape, and threatened to give them to the BBC unless he was paid £10,000. When the BBC was unable to raise the funds, public donations began to pour in, quickly exceeding the ransom demand by several thousand pounds. Before payment could be made, however, the identity of the man was discovered, and an angry mob dragged him from his home and poked him with pointy sticks, until he admitted that it had all been a hoax and that no such video tape actually existed.

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Mid Terms

Helpful agents escort one of the detained Congressional Candidates to his next appointment.

WASHINGTON, DC — Less than 24 hours after signing the Military Powers Act into law, President Bush declared 249 Democratic Congressional Candidates to be Enemy Combatants, and ordered that they be immediately rounded up and detained.

They are being held for reasons unknown, at an undisclosed location, for an indeterminate period of time, but the White House insists that they are not being tortured, at least not by any reasonable definition of “torture”. A bit of good natured water-boarding, however, has not been ruled out, at this time.

“This is only a temporary situation,” White House spokesperson Tony Snow stated, during his regular morning press briefing, “I’m sure everything will be quickly sorted out, possibly as early as the 8th or 9th of November.”

In the mean time, the White House is urging everyone to vote as usual in the upcoming mid-term elections. “It is important that we not allow a few dozen potential terrorists to undermine the election process,” Snow stated.

“Besides,” he added in conclusion, “There are still many patriotic candidates available to choose from. Go out and vote for one of them.”

Sources

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UPN marks final broadcast with “classic” shows

On 5 September, 2006, in News Parodies, Parodies, by C. Scott Davis
Old UPN Logo

These letters can be rearranged to spell PUN... and also NUP... but that's probably not actually a real word. PUN is though, which is kind of cool.

LOS ANGELES, CA — Following the WB’s recent announcement of special programming on its final night of broadcasting, UPN announced today that it would be marking its last night in a similar fashion, by rebroadcasting the pilot episodes of Mullets, Homeboys in Outer Space, and The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer.

“Those WB guys aren’t the only ones with memorable shows,” said UPN Spokesperson Esel Stummer, “After all, we’ve had such unforgettable series as South Beach, Marker, and Shasta McNasty, not to mention my personal favourite Love Boat: The Next Wave.”

UPN will air the pilots on Friday, 15 September, before signing off and ceasing operation.

The biggest challenge, according to Stummer, was narrowing the selection of shows to fit the 5-hour block of time they had available. “Of course, Homeboys and Desmond Pfeiffer were no-brainers, but how do you choose between shows like Platypus Man and Swift Justice?” Stummer added, “I can tell you, it wasn’t easy.”

This will be the first chance that viewers have have had to see these classic UPN shows, since their original broadcasts. “We were really surprised that no one had obtained the syndication rights yet, but that bit of good luck is what made this farewell special possible.”

Because they were unable to procure advertisers for the special, UPN plans to include all of the commercials that ran when the shows were first broadcast.

“It actually makes things a lot easier, since we won’t really have to do any editing,” stated Stummer, “Besides, we think viewers will get a kick out of seeing what ads were like way back in 1995.”

So far, none of UPN’s 143 affiliate stations have agreed to air the final broadcast. “I admit, we didn’t get the response we’d hoped for,” Stummer said, in conclusion, “but we’re still optimistic, and we feel sure that they’ll get onboard as we get closer to the 15th. We’re also looking into a possible DVD release.”

Sources

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God sues Westboro Baptist Church

On 2 August, 2006, in News Parodies, Parodies, by C. Scott Davis
God hates figs

Members of the Westboro Baptist Church spread their message of hatred and bad spelling.

HEAVEN — God (aka “Yahweh”, aka “Jehovah”, aka “Allah”), creator of the Universe and founder of at least three of the world’s major religions, today filed a lawsuit against Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church for Libel, Slander, and Defamation of Character.

“They’re saying some pretty awful things about Me,” God stated, during a press conference, held outside the pearly gates, “I’ll admit that when I was younger, I was pretty angry sometimes, and I might’ve said and done a few things that I regret now, but the truth is, I don’t hate anyone. I’m a loving God, and I think anyone who really knows Me will tell you that. I’m simply not about hate.”

“Who does God think He is anyway?” responded WBC Spokesperson Shirley Phelps-Roper, as she put the finishing touches on the church’s new ‘God Hates God’ signs, “If He persists with this frivolous lawsuit, He can rest assured that God will strike Him down.”

The WBC claims, among other things, that God hates homosexuals, hates America, kills US soldiers, and sends destructive weather such as Hurricane Katrina to punish us for our sins.

“It simply isn’t true,” God continued, “I mean, these people do understand how weather works, right? Sure, I set the whole system in motion a long time ago, but I certainly don’t control every individual storm. Oh, and that bit about figs? I love figs. I think they’re delicious. I especially like those tiny little cakes with the fig in the middle. Those are brilliant!”

Upon hearing the initial evidence, the judge issued a Temporary Injunction, ordering the WBC to immediately Cease and Desist distributing or otherwise displaying any signs, banners or pamphlets which claim to know the Will of God, and to remove all references to God from their web site and other literature, until the case is resolved.

“If they hate gay people so much,” God said, in conclusion, “Let them put that on their signs. Just leave Me out of it.”

Sources

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prehistoric_spiderweb

Scientists believe that the web probably once looked like this.

BARCELONA, SPAIN — An orb spider, dating back 110 million years to the time of the dinosaurs, may offer exciting clues about early porcines, according to a recent report. The spider, which scientists have dubbed Araneus Charlotta, was found preserved in amber, along with a portion of its web.

The web, possibly the oldest on record, has led some scientists to speculate that prehistoric pigs may have been vastly superior to the animal we know today.

“The web isn’t intact, of course,” stated Dr. Fern Arable, who is heading up the project, “but there’s clearly some writing there… especially if you turn your head and squint a bit.”

The exact text has been a subject for debate among the team, with some believing it to spell “RADIANT”, others “TERRIFIC”, and some even “HUMBLE”. The current consensus, however is that it says “SOME PIG”.

“That first bit is definitely an ‘S’,” Dr. Arable added, “I don’t see how anyone could say that’s not an ‘S’.”

The find dates back to the Early Cretaceous period, a time which was previously believed to pre-date the earliest known porcine species.

“That’s what’s so terribly exciting,” remarked Dr. Arable, “There may have been these extraordinary pigs, living millions of years ago, and we knew nothing about them… until now.”

At the moment, the scientific community is divided over the initial report. Most believe, as Dr. Arable does, that this is a clear indication of an exceptional species of early pigs. Some, however, insist that it’s actually the spider that’s remarkable.

“That’s just crazy,” Dr. Arable said, in conclusion, “Doesn’t it just make sense that these pigs would have to be pretty amazing for this spider to feel the need to write about them? I certainly think so.”

Dr. Arable and her team are currently seeking a grant to continue their research.

Sources

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Teenager seeks Restraining Order against Jesus

On 15 June, 2006, in News Parodies, Parodies, by C. Scott Davis
Jesus

Jesus Christ: Messiah or Stalker?

LOUDONVILLE, GA — American high school student Brett Samhause today filed a restraining order against Jesus of Nazareth, aka Jesus “the Christ”, claiming that the former carpenter and founder of the Christian Church unlawfully spied on him and invaded his privacy.

“I know He’s my Lord and Saviour and all,” Samhause told reporters outside the Haven County courthouse, “But He was always watching me, and that’s just creepy.”

Although the injunction claims that Jesus watched him bathe and perform other intimate activities, Samhause insists that he wasn’t doing anything sinful. “It’s not that I was doing anything I wouldn’t want Him to see,” Samhause stated, “I just don’t want Him watching me all the time.”

Similar charges were made against Father Christmas in 1996, leading to lawsuits in 34 countries, including People v. Kringle, in which the US Supreme Court awarded a staggering one billion US dollars (approximately £540 million GBP) in damages. Kringle, who (like Jesus) has numerous aliases, is believed to currently be hiding somewhere in the Arctic Circle.

“It’s high time these people realise that this sort of behaviour simply won’t be tolerated,” added Samhause’s lawyer, who had accompanied him to the courthouse, “Jesus, if you’re watching, and I know you are, just leave my client alone.”

The presence of Samhause’s attorney has fueled speculation that he may be preparing to file a civil suit against the Son of God. As the only known heir to Jehovah’s vast fortune, rumoured to include the entire Universe, Jesus’ net worth may be infinite, which His followers say makes him an obvious target for frivolous lawsuits.

When asked about the possibility of litigation, Samhause’s lawyer declined to comment.

Under the terms of the order, Jesus must maintain a distance of at least 100 yards (91 metres) from Brett Samhause at all times, and is not allowed to contact him in any way.

“I just want my life back,” Samhause said in conclusion.

If he violates the order, Jesus could be subject to fines of up to US$10,000 (about £5400 GPB) or 1 year in prison.

Sources

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USA World Map

Startling new evidence suggests that this world map may not be entirely accurate.

WASHINGTON, DC — The United States, long considered to be the only terrestrial land mass of any significance, may in fact be one of dozens, or even hundreds, of countries that occupy the Earth, if a controversial new report is to be believed.

The existence of these so-called “other countries” has been known since 1941, when America first learned of World War II, and decided to step in and win it for the Allies. Since then however, only a few, such as the U.S.S.R. in the 50’s and Vietnam in the 70’s, have been of any real importance.

The new study, which was prompted by NASA’s recent discovery of an event known as the World Cup, indicates that as much as 30% of the Earth’s surface may be made up of territory that is not part of the United States, and has sent ripples of shock and disbelief throughout the nation.

World class events, such as the World Series and World Championship Wrestling have long been popular in the U.S., but the idea that there might be other such events taking place in these “other countries” has proven unsettling to most Americans.

If these claims are true, it could mean drastic changes to American life, as many things which have been taken for granted would have to be recast in light of this new information. Football, for example, might need to be referred to as American Football, since apparently the rest of the world uses the term for some other game.

The White House responded quickly, by calling on Congress to pass a law that would force these “other countries” to make whatever changes are needed to preserve America’s long-standing traditions.

“Football is football,” President Bush stated, in an impromptu press conference, “I mean, why would you call soccer football? Soccer is soccer. Calling it football is just silly.” He went on to declare that he felt sure that the matter would soon be resolved once and for all, adding, “After all, we were here first.”

When informed that other countries are not subject to U.S. law, the visibly-distressed President had to be helped from the podium by paramedics.

Sources

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Gay Marriage responsible for Global Warming

On 9 June, 2006, in News Parodies, Parodies, by C. Scott Davis
Homosphere

This diagram shows how a buildup of Gaysium Ions within the Homosphere disrupts the natural flow of vital energies to the Earth.

LYNCHBURG, VA (Fox News) — Top scientists from the prestigious Theological Physics Department of Liberty University today announced findings that identify gay marriage as the single largest contributing factor to global warming.

“The indications are all there,” University Weatherologist Dr. Theobald Arquente D.D. told UnNews. “The recent increase in the number of gay marriages has caused the Homosphere’s… uhhh, entropic density to expand, which probably… reversed the… uh, polarity of the, uh, neutron flow, leading to a dramatic increase in temperature.”

“It’s all terribly scientific and complicated, but it clearly shows that gay marriage is the main cause of global warming.”

The University’s Probability and Prophecy department predicts that if the number of gay marriages continues to increase at the current rate, there will be an average of 5 gay marriages per person, by the year 2026.

“By that time, the atmosphere will no longer be able to withstand the weight of the Homosphere, and the Earth will be crushed… probably into a black hole or something,” Dr. Arquente added.

Although the full report is not yet available, University scientists are confident of their preliminary findings.

“Of course, it is just a theory, like evolution or intelligent design, so there is some speculation involved,” Dr. Arquente said in conclusion, “But we did spend many hours of exhaustive research — by which I mean prayer, and used lots of scientific words… Plus, I mean, just look at the chart. It doesn’t get much clearer than that.”

Sources

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Jimmy Hoffa

Last known photograph of Jimmy Hoffa, before he vanished mysteriously. Detailed analyses of this image have failed to offer any clues regarding his disappearance.

DETROIT (Reuters) The FBI is seeking the assistance of the CBS drama Cold Case in locating the body of missing Teamster boss Jimmy Hoffa, sources within the agency reported Wednesday.

Just days after calling off an unsuccessful search of the Hidden Dreams Farm, the FBI has reportedly dispatched agents to the offices of the Columbia Broadcasting System in New York, in the hopes that the detectives of their hit show Cold Case might have better luck solving the 31-year-old missing-persons case.

“This [the Hoffa case] is just the sort of thing those guys are good at,” stated Special Agent Gene Hunt, the agency’s liaison with the television network, “Did you see the one where they solved the murder of that kid? I mean, they had like no evidence to go on at all, and they still put the killer away. That’s the kind of thing we’re looking for here.”

Although the series is currently on hiatus for the summer, agency sources reveal that the FBI is optimistic that it will see a break in the case, once episodes resume this fall.

“We don’t know how soon they’ll be able to get to it, of course,” Special Agent Hunt commented, referring to the Hoffa case, “I’m sure they’ve already got a pretty heavy case-load lined up. But we feel sure that once they’re on the case, we’ll get fast results — probably within 45 minutes, if their track record so far is any indication… but that’s not counting commercials.”

Responding to criticism over its decision to involve the fictional Philly police department in the search for Hoffa’s body, the FBI insists that existing episodes of Cold Case clearly justify the move, and encourages critics to check out previous seasons, which are now available on DVD.

“I have a really good feeling about this,” Special Agent Hunt added, “I think for the first time we’ve actually got a pretty good shot at finding this guy.”

When asked if he realises that Cold Case isn’t real, Special Agent Hunt punched the reporter in the nose and ran away.

CBS could not be reached for comment.

Sources

  • “The Autobiography of James Riddle Hoffa”, Mafia Press, 30 July, 1975
  • “Are tv schedules secretly manipulated by aliens from Area 51?”, Roswell Times, 30 May, 2006
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