Pope Admits He Watches The Big Bang Theory

On 30 October, 2014, in News Parodies, Parodies, by C. Scott Davis

"Bazinga!"

VATICAN CITY — In an exciting declaration, Pope Francis I stated that the CBS sitcom is “one of the funniest shows on television”, while unboxing a vintage Spock action figure that he had recently purchased on eBay. Pope Francis also stated that enjoyment of The Big Bang Theory is not incompatible with any of the other fine programming on the Tiffany Network.

“When we watch one of the numerous CSI’s or an NCIS, we run the risk of imagining that dramas are the only things to watch. But that is not so,” Francis said. He continued by stating that CBS “has a fine selection of comedies and The Big Bang Theory is, by far, my favourite.”

The Pope’s endorsement is expected to have far-reaching effects in television programming, as this is the first time a sitting Pope has given his opinion of a public performance, since Pope Clement VIII complained that Hamlet “dragged on a bit”.

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Hulk Smash

On 16 May, 2012, in Other Parodies, Parodies, by C. Scott Davis

Hulk Smash

“Can Bruce Banner handle the stress of putting on a Broadway musical or will he literally bring down the house?”

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LeBron James Sub

Mock-up of one of LeBron James' possible lunch selections.



Sources

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Fear my brain!

On 18 November, 2007, in Random Thoughts, by C. Scott Davis

So… I’m reading about various “dumb laws” that are still on the books in some places, and I spot one that states that it’s illegal to say “Oh, boy” in Jonesboro, Georgia.

The first thing that pops into my mind is Quantum Leap, which then (for some reason) makes me think of a Jonesboro Amateur Theatre production of Quantum Leap: The Musical (and how difficult the performances would be, due to that law).

Of course, that starts me thinking of what Quantum Leap: The Musical would actually be like, and then the next thing I know, my brain is actually coming up with these song lyrics:

“(Oh, boy)
I’m not myself today
(Oh, boy)
Don’t know what else to say
(Oh, boy)
Can someone help me please?
My memory’s swiss cheese
And in the mirror is the face of someone else who isn’t me!
Oh, boy!!!
I’m not
myself today”

This is the sort of thing my brain chooses to do, instead of working on my NaNoWriMo novel.

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Dill or No Dill

On 9 December, 2006, in Other Parodies, Parodies, by C. Scott Davis

Dill or No Dill

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Doctor Whose Line is it Anyway?

On 29 October, 2006, in Other Parodies, Parodies, by C. Scott Davis
Doctor Whose Line

"Improvise! Improvise!"

Doctor Whose Line is it Anyway? featured four contestants who were forced to improvise a convincing Doctor Who storyline, while being chased around by a Dalek.

The series was wildly popular among coma victims and household pets, but was suddenly cancelled in 1996, when the Dalek was accidentally released into the wrong studio and exterminated everyone on the set of Can’t Cook, Won’t Cook.

Immediately following its cancellation, the BBC wisely destroyed all existing copies of the series, even going so far as to also hunt down and destroy the entire cast and crew, just to be safe.

In 2002, a man claimed to have every episode on video tape, and threatened to give them to the BBC unless he was paid £10,000. When the BBC was unable to raise the funds, public donations began to pour in, quickly exceeding the ransom demand by several thousand pounds. Before payment could be made, however, the identity of the man was discovered, and an angry mob dragged him from his home and poked him with pointy sticks, until he admitted that it had all been a hoax and that no such video tape actually existed.

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UPN marks final broadcast with “classic” shows

On 5 September, 2006, in News Parodies, Parodies, by C. Scott Davis
Old UPN Logo

These letters can be rearranged to spell PUN... and also NUP... but that's probably not actually a real word. PUN is though, which is kind of cool.

LOS ANGELES, CA — Following the WB’s recent announcement of special programming on its final night of broadcasting, UPN announced today that it would be marking its last night in a similar fashion, by rebroadcasting the pilot episodes of Mullets, Homeboys in Outer Space, and The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer.

“Those WB guys aren’t the only ones with memorable shows,” said UPN Spokesperson Esel Stummer, “After all, we’ve had such unforgettable series as South Beach, Marker, and Shasta McNasty, not to mention my personal favourite Love Boat: The Next Wave.”

UPN will air the pilots on Friday, 15 September, before signing off and ceasing operation.

The biggest challenge, according to Stummer, was narrowing the selection of shows to fit the 5-hour block of time they had available. “Of course, Homeboys and Desmond Pfeiffer were no-brainers, but how do you choose between shows like Platypus Man and Swift Justice?” Stummer added, “I can tell you, it wasn’t easy.”

This will be the first chance that viewers have have had to see these classic UPN shows, since their original broadcasts. “We were really surprised that no one had obtained the syndication rights yet, but that bit of good luck is what made this farewell special possible.”

Because they were unable to procure advertisers for the special, UPN plans to include all of the commercials that ran when the shows were first broadcast.

“It actually makes things a lot easier, since we won’t really have to do any editing,” stated Stummer, “Besides, we think viewers will get a kick out of seeing what ads were like way back in 1995.”

So far, none of UPN’s 143 affiliate stations have agreed to air the final broadcast. “I admit, we didn’t get the response we’d hoped for,” Stummer said, in conclusion, “but we’re still optimistic, and we feel sure that they’ll get onboard as we get closer to the 15th. We’re also looking into a possible DVD release.”

Sources

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Jimmy Hoffa

Last known photograph of Jimmy Hoffa, before he vanished mysteriously. Detailed analyses of this image have failed to offer any clues regarding his disappearance.

DETROIT (Reuters) The FBI is seeking the assistance of the CBS drama Cold Case in locating the body of missing Teamster boss Jimmy Hoffa, sources within the agency reported Wednesday.

Just days after calling off an unsuccessful search of the Hidden Dreams Farm, the FBI has reportedly dispatched agents to the offices of the Columbia Broadcasting System in New York, in the hopes that the detectives of their hit show Cold Case might have better luck solving the 31-year-old missing-persons case.

“This [the Hoffa case] is just the sort of thing those guys are good at,” stated Special Agent Gene Hunt, the agency’s liaison with the television network, “Did you see the one where they solved the murder of that kid? I mean, they had like no evidence to go on at all, and they still put the killer away. That’s the kind of thing we’re looking for here.”

Although the series is currently on hiatus for the summer, agency sources reveal that the FBI is optimistic that it will see a break in the case, once episodes resume this fall.

“We don’t know how soon they’ll be able to get to it, of course,” Special Agent Hunt commented, referring to the Hoffa case, “I’m sure they’ve already got a pretty heavy case-load lined up. But we feel sure that once they’re on the case, we’ll get fast results — probably within 45 minutes, if their track record so far is any indication… but that’s not counting commercials.”

Responding to criticism over its decision to involve the fictional Philly police department in the search for Hoffa’s body, the FBI insists that existing episodes of Cold Case clearly justify the move, and encourages critics to check out previous seasons, which are now available on DVD.

“I have a really good feeling about this,” Special Agent Hunt added, “I think for the first time we’ve actually got a pretty good shot at finding this guy.”

When asked if he realises that Cold Case isn’t real, Special Agent Hunt punched the reporter in the nose and ran away.

CBS could not be reached for comment.

Sources

  • “The Autobiography of James Riddle Hoffa”, Mafia Press, 30 July, 1975
  • “Are tv schedules secretly manipulated by aliens from Area 51?”, Roswell Times, 30 May, 2006
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“Come on, baby. Don’t go like that!”

On 17 June, 2005, in Rants, by C. Scott Davis

I just called DishNetwork to cancel my service, and found myself in a conversation that was more like a break-up than anything else:

“Why are you leaving me?”

First, they wanted to know why I was cancelling my account. Okay, fair enough. So, I gave them my reasons1.

“I’m sorry, baby. You know how much I love you.”

They apologised, and let me know how important I was to them as a customer.

“Give me another chance! What can I do to make this work?”

They offered me a $50 discount on the equipment upgrade. They offered me free programming. Then they asked me what it would take to keep me as a customer. I told them it was too late, that I had already switched to DirecTV, and that I was just trying to give them feedback so they wouldn’t lose more customers over these same issues.

“It’s not my fault! You’re impossible to please!”

They explained how and why new promotions work the way they do (which I already knew), and told me it was unreasonable to expect free equipment.

“I can change! Just give me time.”

I suggested they offer upgrades using the same method (require an additional 1-2 year contract, to recoup the cost), and they said that they weren’t sure if they could do that, but reminded me that promotions change all the time, and that if I just wait, there might be a better upgrade offer available in the future.

“You won’t find anybody better than me.”

They then began pointing out flaws in DirectTV, and warned me that my new DVR would only hold 35 hours. When I told them that it’s actually 70 hours, they implied (without actually coming right out and saying so) that DirecTV might’ve lied to me and that I might really only have 35 hours.

“You just don’t understand!”

At one point, they were actually trying to convince me that the DishNetwork software can already do everything that TiVo can (which simply isn’t true). When I told them I’d been using it for two years, and that it definitely didn’t have those features (such as named-based instead of date/time-based recording), they said that maybe I just didn’t know how to use them.

You’ll regret this! And don’t come crawling back to me, when you do!”

They told me that before they can cancel my account, they have to make sure that I’m aware of the penalties. If I decide to sign up with DishNetwork in the future, there will be an additional $25 fee and I will have to pay for my programming packages in advance. They also pointed out that I will not be eligible for any new customer promotions (such as equipment or installation), and asked if I was sure I still wanted to cancel. I said yes, and they cancelled my account.

“I still love you, baby.”

Before hanging up, they said that under the circumstances, they felt it only fair to make a notation in my account that the $25 fee should be waived, if I decide to come back, and that they hoped that one day I would.

During the whole conversation, I just kept feeling like I should be saying, “It’s not you. It’s me.” or maybe asking if we could still be friends. 🙂


1 After promising existing customers an eventual dual-tuner upgrade for two years now, DishNetwork finally decided to offer one last month. The price? $199. It’s been available to new customers for about a year and a half now (they’re even offering it as a free upgrade now, when you sign up as a new customer), but existing customers have had to wait. Now that it is available, they want us to pay $199 for it. That’s just crazy.

Especially since DirecTV is more than happy to offer disgruntled DishNetwork customers an even better system for just switching providers.

I get the same basic channels (minus one or two that I don’t care about, and plus a few more that I don’t care about), dual-tuner DVR, and actual TiVo service, for $10/month less than I was paying DishNetwork.

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Flashback. Last year…

[Two Fox programming Execs are in a meeting]

Exec 1 (looking at schedule) : Hey, do you realise we haven’t cancelled a show in weeks?

Exec 2: That can’t be right. Let me see.

[Exec 2 looks at the schedule]

Exec 2: Crap, you’re right! How did that happen?

Exec 1: I don’t know, but shouldn’t we do something about it?

Exec 2 (scowling) : Of course! Have we commissioned any new shows recently? Maybe something we’ve only aired once or twice?

Exec 1: I don’t think so. It looks like there are mostly just Reality Shows left.

Exec 2: Well, we certainly can’t cancel one of those.

Exec 1 (shaking head) : No, no. Of course not.

Exec 2 (muttering) : What are we going to do?…

Exec 1: Maybe we could order a new show and then cancel it right away?

Exec 2: Maybe… but that might take too long. Are you sure there’s nothing else left?

[Exec 1 takes list and looks over it again]

Exec 1: It doesn’t look like it… Wait-a-minute. What’s this one?

Exec 2: What? What?

Exec 1: It looks like Tru Calling is still on the air.

Exec 2 (grabbing list) : That can’t be right. That would mean we’ve shown half of a season by now, maybe more.

Exec 1: It’s definitely still on. It looks like we did the usual shuffling around and pre-empting, but we never actually cancelled it.

Exec 2: Well, by all means, cancel it now.

Exec 1: Don’t you want to check the ratings first.

Exec 2 (laughing) : Yeah, right… Is it number one?

Exec 1: No.

Exec 2: I didn’t think so. Like I said, cancel it.

Flash forward. About a month ago…

[Another meeting. Same two Execs, plus a new one]

Exec 1: What about this new show, Point Pleasant?

Exec 2: How many episodes have we aired?

Exec 1: Eight.

Exec 2: Eight? And we haven’t cancelled it yet?

New Exec: What? After only eight episodes?

[Exec 2 glares at New Exec]

Exec 1 (whispering) : He’s new.

Exec 2: Ah…

Exec 1: We’ve moved it around a time or two, and pre-empted it several times… without warning, of course.

Exec 2 (smiling) : Of course.

Exec 1: But we haven’t cancelled it yet.

Exec 2: Well, you’d better get right to it then. We don’t want another Tru Calling incident, now do we?

Exec 1: No, definitely not.

New Exec: What about the episodes we’ve already paid for? Will we show them?

[Exec 2 stares in disbelief]

Exec 1 (laughing) : Of course not!

New Exec: I don’t understand. If we paid for them, and they’re ready to air…

Exec 2 (frowning) : Don’t we teach these kids anything?

Exec 1 (explaining to New Exec) : If a series isn’t immediately number one, it gets cancelled. Once it’s cancelled, it’s off the air. It’s that simple.

New Exec (confused) : But what about all these other shows?

Exec 1 and Exec 2 (together) : They’re Reality shows!

New Exec: Oh…

Exec 2: Look, can we get back to the business at hand please?

[New Exec nods silently]

Exec 2 (rubbing hands together) : So… what new Reality Show can we air in its place?

Exec 1 (looking up from a list of shows) : Oh dear…

Exec 2: What is it?

Exec 1: It looks like all of our Reality Shows are already airing.

Exec 2: We don’t have anything else in the works? My Big Fat Obnoxious Makeover Reunion or something?

Exec 1 (shaking head) : Nothing we can get on by next week.

New Exec: Should we just keep running Point Pleasant for another week or two, until something else is ready?

Exec 2 (snaps) : Look, if you don’t have a serious suggestion, just keep quiet, okay?

Exec 1: Maybe we could run a marathon of some earlier Reality Show?

Exec 2: Maybe…

New Exec: Uh… I was wondering…

Exec 2 (crossly) : Yes?

New Exec: What do we do with all of the unaired episodes of shows we’ve cancelled?

Exec 2 (shrugging) : They’re lying around here somewhere I suppose, why?

New Exec: I was just thinking… maybe we could air some of those… or something…

Exec 2: Hmmm… An already cancelled show…

Exec 1: It’s a pretty crazy idea.

Exec 2: Yeah, but it could work. We could really hype it up too, you know. “Only six new episodes remaining until the exciting Series Finale, blah blah blah.” That kind of thing.

Exec 1: Six?

Exec 2: Six, four. What does it matter? How ever many we’ve got handy. Just to give us time to get the next Reality Show ready to air.

Exec 1: And, since it’s already been cancelled, it’ll save us the trouble of having to cancel it later!

Exec 2 (nodding excitedly) : Exactly!

Exec 1: How about Tru Calling? We have exactly six of those.

Exec 2 (scowling slightly) : It’s really already outlived its life span, but… we do need something. I guess it might as well be Tru Calling. Okay, do it.

New Exec: So, we actually have a Series Finale?

Exec 2 (glaring) : What? I don’t know. Probably not, since we certainly didn’t let them know ahead of time that they were being cancelled.

[Exec 1 and Exec 2 chuckle]

Exec 2: Who cares though? If it’s the last episode we air, then it’s the Series Finale… right? Right.

Flash forward. The present…

[Exec 1 and Exec 2 in another meeting]

Exec 1: We’ve got an exciting new season of The Simple Life, ready to go.

Exec 2: That’s great news! When can we start it?

Exec 1: Well, we’ve got one more episode of Tru Calling, and then we can put it on Thursday nights.

Exec 2: Tru Calling? Really? Is that thing still on?

Exec 1: Just the Series Finale. Remember? We brought back the unaired episodes to fill in the gap, when we cancelled Point Pleasant last month.

Exec 2: Oh, right, I remember. Well, we don’t really need it any more do we?

Exec 1: Not really, no. We’ve got lots of new Reality Shows lined up… oh, and we also ordered 13 episodes of a new show called The Inside. We should be able to run four or five episodes of that, before we cancel it.

Exec 2: It’s not a Reality Show?

Exec 1: No, it’s a new series from Tim Minear. You remember? Firefly? Wonderfalls?

Exec 2 (laughing) : Him? Really? You’d think he’d have learned by now… Well, he’d better hope it gets to number one pretty quickly then.

Exec 1: And if it doesn’t?

Exec 2 (scoffs) : What do you think?

[Exec 1 makes a cutting motion]

Exec 2: But of course.

[Exec 1 and Exec 2 laugh. Fade to black.]

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