Teenager Arrested for Having Science in Texas School

On 20 September, 2015, in News Parodies, Parodies, by C. Scott Davis

"Science!"

IRVING, TEXAS — A terrified teacher called police Monday, when she discovered that one of her students had brought a science project into her classroom. Thanks to her quick thinking, no other students were threatened by exposure to any potentially harmful scientific principles.

“We certainly can’t have other students thinking that this sort of thing is acceptable,” a school spokesman told reporters. “Sure, it was just a clock this time, but next time it might be something truly dangerous like a fossil or an uncensored text book!”

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"Oh my!"

BLAINE, GA — After much speculation, the elusive Higgs Bosom was revealed today, when a local teenager discovered her tanning in her yard, at approximately 10am this morning. “I had no idea that Ms. Higgs sunbathed topless,” the excited teen reported, “I was just walking by her house and there she was!”

Some are already calling this the most significant discovery since finding his mother’s Parental Controls password, but others doubt the veracity of his claim. “He’s lying,” a source close to the boy stated, “I go by there all the time and I’ve never seen anything.”

Further study of the phenomenon is expected, at least through the end of bathing-suit season.

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LHC Wormhole

Wormhole which leads to a strange Mirror Universe.

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND — Scientists at CERN revealed today that the Large Hadron Collider accidentally created a wormhole to a Mirror Universe.

“This was completely unexpected,” one of the scientists stated, “There was some speculation that the LHC might unravel the fabric of space-time and destroy the Universe, but most of us felt certain that the destruction would be more localised, most likely limited to our Solar System or possibly just the Earth itself. No one anticipated that it would open a portal to a bizarre parallel dimension… This has totally screwed up the office pool.”

“I suppose it’s still possible that the wormhole will collapse into a singularity,” he added, “but I’m not holding my breath. I’m pretty sure I’m just out €10.”

Scientists from the Mirror Universe, who are assisting our scientists in trying to shut down the LHC, are denying rumours that their Universe is some kind of ‘evil’ alternate reality to our own.

“It’s hardly fair to label our Universe as ‘evil’,” said one of the Mirror Universe scientists, during the joint press conference held this morning, “There are difference, of course. For example, in our Universe Betamax became the videotape standard, instead of VHS… Of course, that doesn’t really matter any more, since HD-DVD has made tapes obsolete anyway.”

Protesters outside of CERN have already added ‘Invasion from Mirror Universe’ to the long list of dangers they believe the LHC poses. “You have to keep a close watch on these scientist types,” warned one protester, “One minute they’re opening up gateways to other dimensions, and the next thing you know they’re doing something really dangerous like bouncing Wonderflonium.”

Both sets of scientists insist that the LHC is perfectly safe, or at least as safe as a 27 kilometre super-collider capable of punching a hole in reality can be.

“Everyone can rest assured that we’re all working together to shut down the LHC, as soon as possible,” the Mirror Universe scientist stated “even though the wormhole is absolutely stable and poses no danger whatsoever.”

“Besides,” he added, “I want to get back to my Universe in time to see Gigli 2 on opening night.”

CERN Press Conference

CERN Scientists and their Mirror Universe counterparts hold a joint press conference.

Sources

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The Heisenberg Warranty

On 30 April, 2007, in Random Thoughts, by C. Scott Davis

I recently read this on a packet of adhesive bandages:

Guaranteed sterile unless opened.

I always found this funny (since it’s impossible to verify the guarantee without invalidating it), but for some reason this time, I was struck by the thought of a similar notice being posted on the box containing Schrödinger’s cat1

Cat guaranteed alive unless box is opened.

Of course, the whole point of the exercise is that the state of the cat2 can not be determined until the box is opened, so it can’t really be said to be “alive” at that point (although, technically, it isn’t “dead” either).

So, as guarantees go, it’s pretty meaningless, but then again, so is the one on the bandages.

I think there was a point to all of this when I started, but I seem to have lost it somewhere along the way… except maybe for the bit about not using a live cat3.


1 Warning: Schrödinger’s cat is just a thought experiment, and should never, ever, under any circumstances, be attempted with a real cat.
2 I can not stress enough how important it is that you not try this with an actual cat.
3 Seriously… Trust me on this.

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prehistoric_spiderweb

Scientists believe that the web probably once looked like this.

BARCELONA, SPAIN — An orb spider, dating back 110 million years to the time of the dinosaurs, may offer exciting clues about early porcines, according to a recent report. The spider, which scientists have dubbed Araneus Charlotta, was found preserved in amber, along with a portion of its web.

The web, possibly the oldest on record, has led some scientists to speculate that prehistoric pigs may have been vastly superior to the animal we know today.

“The web isn’t intact, of course,” stated Dr. Fern Arable, who is heading up the project, “but there’s clearly some writing there… especially if you turn your head and squint a bit.”

The exact text has been a subject for debate among the team, with some believing it to spell “RADIANT”, others “TERRIFIC”, and some even “HUMBLE”. The current consensus, however is that it says “SOME PIG”.

“That first bit is definitely an ‘S’,” Dr. Arable added, “I don’t see how anyone could say that’s not an ‘S’.”

The find dates back to the Early Cretaceous period, a time which was previously believed to pre-date the earliest known porcine species.

“That’s what’s so terribly exciting,” remarked Dr. Arable, “There may have been these extraordinary pigs, living millions of years ago, and we knew nothing about them… until now.”

At the moment, the scientific community is divided over the initial report. Most believe, as Dr. Arable does, that this is a clear indication of an exceptional species of early pigs. Some, however, insist that it’s actually the spider that’s remarkable.

“That’s just crazy,” Dr. Arable said, in conclusion, “Doesn’t it just make sense that these pigs would have to be pretty amazing for this spider to feel the need to write about them? I certainly think so.”

Dr. Arable and her team are currently seeking a grant to continue their research.

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Gay Marriage responsible for Global Warming

On 9 June, 2006, in News Parodies, Parodies, by C. Scott Davis
Homosphere

This diagram shows how a buildup of Gaysium Ions within the Homosphere disrupts the natural flow of vital energies to the Earth.

LYNCHBURG, VA (Fox News) — Top scientists from the prestigious Theological Physics Department of Liberty University today announced findings that identify gay marriage as the single largest contributing factor to global warming.

“The indications are all there,” University Weatherologist Dr. Theobald Arquente D.D. told UnNews. “The recent increase in the number of gay marriages has caused the Homosphere’s… uhhh, entropic density to expand, which probably… reversed the… uh, polarity of the, uh, neutron flow, leading to a dramatic increase in temperature.”

“It’s all terribly scientific and complicated, but it clearly shows that gay marriage is the main cause of global warming.”

The University’s Probability and Prophecy department predicts that if the number of gay marriages continues to increase at the current rate, there will be an average of 5 gay marriages per person, by the year 2026.

“By that time, the atmosphere will no longer be able to withstand the weight of the Homosphere, and the Earth will be crushed… probably into a black hole or something,” Dr. Arquente added.

Although the full report is not yet available, University scientists are confident of their preliminary findings.

“Of course, it is just a theory, like evolution or intelligent design, so there is some speculation involved,” Dr. Arquente said in conclusion, “But we did spend many hours of exhaustive research — by which I mean prayer, and used lots of scientific words… Plus, I mean, just look at the chart. It doesn’t get much clearer than that.”

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