Pope Admits He Watches The Big Bang Theory

On 30 October, 2014, in News Parodies, Parodies, by C. Scott Davis

"Bazinga!"

VATICAN CITY — In an exciting declaration, Pope Francis I stated that the CBS sitcom is “one of the funniest shows on television”, while unboxing a vintage Spock action figure that he had recently purchased on eBay. Pope Francis also stated that enjoyment of The Big Bang Theory is not incompatible with any of the other fine programming on the Tiffany Network.

“When we watch one of the numerous CSI’s or an NCIS, we run the risk of imagining that dramas are the only things to watch. But that is not so,” Francis said. He continued by stating that CBS “has a fine selection of comedies and The Big Bang Theory is, by far, my favourite.”

The Pope’s endorsement is expected to have far-reaching effects in television programming, as this is the first time a sitting Pope has given his opinion of a public performance, since Pope Clement VIII complained that Hamlet “dragged on a bit”.

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Perhaps the predictions are true

On 17 May, 2011, in Other Parodies, Parodies, by C. Scott Davis
Galactus-Will-Feed

"My journey is ended! This planet shall sustain me until it has been drained of all elemental life! So speaks Galactus!"

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The Bible – Red Letter Editions

On 10 December, 2006, in Random Thoughts, by C. Scott Davis

In many modern books of The Bible the dialogue of the character Jesus are printed in red letters. Although this is fairly recent among English-language editions, the practice itself dates back to the earliest known manuscripts of the Gospels, in which the dialogue of Jesus was written using the author’s own blood.

Many Biblical scholars theorise that some of the apparent inconsistencies that appear in parts of the text may actually have been the result of severe blood loss. In fact, the Gospel of St. James the Lesser was never completed, because he (the author) had a rare blood disease and bled to death while attempting to transcribe it.

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Raptu-lert

On 16 November, 2006, in Other Parodies, Parodies, by C. Scott Davis
Raptu-lert

During the Rapture, seconds count. Give yourself the peace of mind that you can only get from Raptu-lert!

There are several systems on the market that claim to provide a 30-second to 2-minute warning of impending Rapture. The most popular of these is the Raptu-lert (pictured), which also has a battery backup and 3-year warranty (although actual Rapture-protection is not guaranteed).

The Raptu-lert has three modes that determine which type of alarm will sound, in case of Rapture:

  • Tone – A very loud, obnoxious bleeping sound.
  • Voice – A voice (probably Jesus, however the manual doesn’t specify) shouting “Repent! Repent!”
  • Radio – The nearest Christian radio station.

Rumour has it that the original alarm featured Jesus announcing “I’m coming! I’m coming! Oh, God! I’m coming!” but since the manufacturer has denied it and the first batch of Raptu-lerts were recalled to the factory (supposedly for a minor defect in the test button), there’s no way to confirm this.

Following the huge success of the Raptu-lert, the manufacturer has announced plans to produce a smaller, portable version, which can be carried as a key-chain, and is expected to be available during the first quarter of 2008 (barring imminent Rapture prior to the release date).

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God sues Westboro Baptist Church

On 2 August, 2006, in News Parodies, Parodies, by C. Scott Davis
God hates figs

Members of the Westboro Baptist Church spread their message of hatred and bad spelling.

HEAVEN — God (aka “Yahweh”, aka “Jehovah”, aka “Allah”), creator of the Universe and founder of at least three of the world’s major religions, today filed a lawsuit against Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church for Libel, Slander, and Defamation of Character.

“They’re saying some pretty awful things about Me,” God stated, during a press conference, held outside the pearly gates, “I’ll admit that when I was younger, I was pretty angry sometimes, and I might’ve said and done a few things that I regret now, but the truth is, I don’t hate anyone. I’m a loving God, and I think anyone who really knows Me will tell you that. I’m simply not about hate.”

“Who does God think He is anyway?” responded WBC Spokesperson Shirley Phelps-Roper, as she put the finishing touches on the church’s new ‘God Hates God’ signs, “If He persists with this frivolous lawsuit, He can rest assured that God will strike Him down.”

The WBC claims, among other things, that God hates homosexuals, hates America, kills US soldiers, and sends destructive weather such as Hurricane Katrina to punish us for our sins.

“It simply isn’t true,” God continued, “I mean, these people do understand how weather works, right? Sure, I set the whole system in motion a long time ago, but I certainly don’t control every individual storm. Oh, and that bit about figs? I love figs. I think they’re delicious. I especially like those tiny little cakes with the fig in the middle. Those are brilliant!”

Upon hearing the initial evidence, the judge issued a Temporary Injunction, ordering the WBC to immediately Cease and Desist distributing or otherwise displaying any signs, banners or pamphlets which claim to know the Will of God, and to remove all references to God from their web site and other literature, until the case is resolved.

“If they hate gay people so much,” God said, in conclusion, “Let them put that on their signs. Just leave Me out of it.”

Sources

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Teenager seeks Restraining Order against Jesus

On 15 June, 2006, in News Parodies, Parodies, by C. Scott Davis
Jesus

Jesus Christ: Messiah or Stalker?

LOUDONVILLE, GA — American high school student Brett Samhause today filed a restraining order against Jesus of Nazareth, aka Jesus “the Christ”, claiming that the former carpenter and founder of the Christian Church unlawfully spied on him and invaded his privacy.

“I know He’s my Lord and Saviour and all,” Samhause told reporters outside the Haven County courthouse, “But He was always watching me, and that’s just creepy.”

Although the injunction claims that Jesus watched him bathe and perform other intimate activities, Samhause insists that he wasn’t doing anything sinful. “It’s not that I was doing anything I wouldn’t want Him to see,” Samhause stated, “I just don’t want Him watching me all the time.”

Similar charges were made against Father Christmas in 1996, leading to lawsuits in 34 countries, including People v. Kringle, in which the US Supreme Court awarded a staggering one billion US dollars (approximately £540 million GBP) in damages. Kringle, who (like Jesus) has numerous aliases, is believed to currently be hiding somewhere in the Arctic Circle.

“It’s high time these people realise that this sort of behaviour simply won’t be tolerated,” added Samhause’s lawyer, who had accompanied him to the courthouse, “Jesus, if you’re watching, and I know you are, just leave my client alone.”

The presence of Samhause’s attorney has fueled speculation that he may be preparing to file a civil suit against the Son of God. As the only known heir to Jehovah’s vast fortune, rumoured to include the entire Universe, Jesus’ net worth may be infinite, which His followers say makes him an obvious target for frivolous lawsuits.

When asked about the possibility of litigation, Samhause’s lawyer declined to comment.

Under the terms of the order, Jesus must maintain a distance of at least 100 yards (91 metres) from Brett Samhause at all times, and is not allowed to contact him in any way.

“I just want my life back,” Samhause said in conclusion.

If he violates the order, Jesus could be subject to fines of up to US$10,000 (about £5400 GPB) or 1 year in prison.

Sources

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Gay Marriage responsible for Global Warming

On 9 June, 2006, in News Parodies, Parodies, by C. Scott Davis
Homosphere

This diagram shows how a buildup of Gaysium Ions within the Homosphere disrupts the natural flow of vital energies to the Earth.

LYNCHBURG, VA (Fox News) — Top scientists from the prestigious Theological Physics Department of Liberty University today announced findings that identify gay marriage as the single largest contributing factor to global warming.

“The indications are all there,” University Weatherologist Dr. Theobald Arquente D.D. told UnNews. “The recent increase in the number of gay marriages has caused the Homosphere’s… uhhh, entropic density to expand, which probably… reversed the… uh, polarity of the, uh, neutron flow, leading to a dramatic increase in temperature.”

“It’s all terribly scientific and complicated, but it clearly shows that gay marriage is the main cause of global warming.”

The University’s Probability and Prophecy department predicts that if the number of gay marriages continues to increase at the current rate, there will be an average of 5 gay marriages per person, by the year 2026.

“By that time, the atmosphere will no longer be able to withstand the weight of the Homosphere, and the Earth will be crushed… probably into a black hole or something,” Dr. Arquente added.

Although the full report is not yet available, University scientists are confident of their preliminary findings.

“Of course, it is just a theory, like evolution or intelligent design, so there is some speculation involved,” Dr. Arquente said in conclusion, “But we did spend many hours of exhaustive research — by which I mean prayer, and used lots of scientific words… Plus, I mean, just look at the chart. It doesn’t get much clearer than that.”

Sources

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A little Lovecraftian Blasphemy to kick-off the day

On 31 January, 2006, in Parodies, Song Parodies, by C. Scott Davis

Santa Chthulhu

Cthulhu’s Hungry

to the tune of “Jesus Loves Me”

Cthulhu’s hungry, this I know
Necronomicon says so
When he comes, we won’t live long
We are weak, but he is strong

Yes, Cthulhu’s hungry
Yes, Cthulhu’s hungry
Yes, Cthulhu’s hungry
Necronomicon says so

Santa Chthulhu

Cthulhu Eats All of the Humans

to the tune of “Jesus Loves the Little Children”

Cthulhu eats all of the humans
All the humans in the world
Red and yellow, black and white
They are tasty in his sight
Cthulhu eats all of the humans in the world

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