The Heisenberg Warranty

On 30 April, 2007, in Random Thoughts, by C. Scott Davis

I recently read this on a packet of adhesive bandages:

Guaranteed sterile unless opened.

I always found this funny (since it’s impossible to verify the guarantee without invalidating it), but for some reason this time, I was struck by the thought of a similar notice being posted on the box containing Schrödinger’s cat1

Cat guaranteed alive unless box is opened.

Of course, the whole point of the exercise is that the state of the cat2 can not be determined until the box is opened, so it can’t really be said to be “alive” at that point (although, technically, it isn’t “dead” either).

So, as guarantees go, it’s pretty meaningless, but then again, so is the one on the bandages.

I think there was a point to all of this when I started, but I seem to have lost it somewhere along the way… except maybe for the bit about not using a live cat3.


1 Warning: Schrödinger’s cat is just a thought experiment, and should never, ever, under any circumstances, be attempted with a real cat.
2 I can not stress enough how important it is that you not try this with an actual cat.
3 Seriously… Trust me on this.

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STFUing

On 21 November, 2006, in Other Parodies, Parodies, by C. Scott Davis

STFUing

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Raptu-lert

On 16 November, 2006, in Other Parodies, Parodies, by C. Scott Davis
Raptu-lert

During the Rapture, seconds count. Give yourself the peace of mind that you can only get from Raptu-lert!

There are several systems on the market that claim to provide a 30-second to 2-minute warning of impending Rapture. The most popular of these is the Raptu-lert (pictured), which also has a battery backup and 3-year warranty (although actual Rapture-protection is not guaranteed).

The Raptu-lert has three modes that determine which type of alarm will sound, in case of Rapture:

  • Tone – A very loud, obnoxious bleeping sound.
  • Voice – A voice (probably Jesus, however the manual doesn’t specify) shouting “Repent! Repent!”
  • Radio – The nearest Christian radio station.

Rumour has it that the original alarm featured Jesus announcing “I’m coming! I’m coming! Oh, God! I’m coming!” but since the manufacturer has denied it and the first batch of Raptu-lerts were recalled to the factory (supposedly for a minor defect in the test button), there’s no way to confirm this.

Following the huge success of the Raptu-lert, the manufacturer has announced plans to produce a smaller, portable version, which can be carried as a key-chain, and is expected to be available during the first quarter of 2008 (barring imminent Rapture prior to the release date).

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