But… who’ll look out for poor BP?

On 20 June, 2010, in Parodies, Song Parodies, by C. Scott Davis

Rep. Joe Barton

Mr. Hayward / Congressman Barton

to the tune of “Uncle Albert / Admiral Halsey” by Paul & Linda McCartney

We’re so sorry Mr. Hayward
We’re so sorry for this awful tragedy
We’re so sorry Mr. Hayward
And I really am ashamed
Of how the White House treats BP
We’re so sorry that they’re shaking you down this way
We’re so Sorry Mr. Hayward
How can we live in a country that would do this kind of thing?

We’re so sorry Mr. Hayward
That the President has asked BP to pay
We’re so sorry Mr. Hayward
But with Democrats in charge we just can never get our way

Oil is in the water (water)
Oil is in the sand
Oil is in the water (water)
Oil is in the sand
Congressman Barton wasn’t the first
To say it was a shakedown, ‘cos some have called it worse
But he’s the only one who took it far enough to apologise (apologise?)
(he’d better take it back or we’ll all be demonised)

Oil is in the water (water)
Oil is in the sand
Oil is in the water (water)
Oil is in the sand

Put it all behind you then you’ll drill again (drill again)
That’s the way it’s always been
Soon or later, drill again
Put it all behind you then you’ll drill again (drill again)
That’s the way it’s always been
Soon or later, drill again

Oil is in the water (water)
Oil is in the sand
Oil is in the water (water)
Oil is in the sand

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Healthcare Protester

I’m Afraid of Obama

to the tune of “I’m Afraid of Americans” by David Bowie

Obama will kill Medicare
(Heard it on TV)
Illegal Immigrants
Will get everything for free

Listen to the talking points…

I’m afraid of the Democrats
I’m afraid of health care
I’m afraid of Obama
I’m afraid of the–

I believe all the talking points
I believe all the lies
Now I’m frightened and angry
Now I’m frightened and–
I believe all the talking points

Now I’m scared of everything…

Obama has a plan
For killing off the elderly too
Obama wasn’t born here
He’s a Muslim Nazi (it’s true!)

Listen to the talking points…

I’m afraid he’s a Socialist
I’m afraid of his Race
I’m afraid of Obama
I’m afraid he can–

I believe all the talking points
I believe all the lies
Now I’m frightened and angry
Now I’m frightened and–
I believe all the talking points (talking points…)

Limbaugh’s on the radio
Limbaugh tells me what to think
Get my news from Fox News
They tell me which Kool-Aid to drink

Listen to the talking points…
Now I’m scared of everything…

I’m afraid of the Liberals
I’m afraid of the Gays
I’m afraid of Obama
I’m afraid of the–

I believe all the talking points
I believe all the lies
Now I’m frightened and angry
Now I’m frightened and–

I’m afraid Intellectuals
Wanna take all my guns
I’m afraid of Obama
I’m afraid of the–
I believe all the talking points

Now I’m scared of everything…
Now I’m scared of everything…
Now I’m scared of everything…
Now I’m scared of everything…
Now I’m scared of everything…
Now I’m scared of everything…
Now I’m scared of everything…
Now I’m scared of everything…
Now I’m scared of everything…
Now I’m scared of everything…

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Issues? What issues?

On 7 October, 2008, in Cartoons, Political Cartoons, by C. Scott Davis

Web Comic 20081007

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RNC Records presents…

On 19 September, 2008, in Parodies, Song Parodies, by C. Scott Davis

RNC Records

Bridge to Nowhere
by the Talking Points

to the tune of “Road to Nowhere” by the Talking Heads

if you saw our convention, you may think we have no plan
but we’d just like to mention, that you should know where we stand
we don’t talk about issues, and we play on your fears
but if you’re patriotic, then you’ll give us four more years

yeah

terrorists, 9-11, maverick change
hockey mom, hanoi hilton, maverick change
family values, freedom, mav’rick change
god bless america, the surge, mav’rick change, mav’rick change

russia, iran, bin laden, maverick change
victory, flag, reformer, maverick change
liberal media elite, mav’rick change
sexism, prisoner of war, mav’rick change, mav’rick change

don’t want no bridge to nowhere
thanks but no thanks to congress
sold a jet plane on ebay

the economy is great, there’s no need to regulate
yeah it’s alright, baby it’s alright
and those gas pains that you feel, the solution is to drill
and it’s alright, baby it’s alright
we’ve got tax cuts for the poor, who earn $200k or more
and it’s alright, baby it’s alright
see we know what’s best for you, ’cause god tells us what to do
yeah it’s alright, baby it’s alright

the economy is great, there’s no need to regulate
yeah it’s alright, baby it’s alright
and those gas pains that you feel, the solution is to drill
and it’s alright, baby it’s alright
we’ve got tax cuts for the poor, who earn $200k or more
and it’s alright, baby it’s alright
see we know what’s best for you, ’cause god tells us what to do
yeah it’s alright, baby it’s alright

don’t want no bridge to nowhere
thanks but no thanks to congress
sold a jet plane on ebay
maverick, mav’rick, mav’rick

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When all else fails, redefine!

On 16 September, 2008, in Cartoons, Political Cartoons, by C. Scott Davis

Web Comic 20080916

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GWB

For some people, the truth is a very difficult concept.

Washington, DC — In clarification of a previous statement, the White House announced today that the President’s intention had been to call for additional troops and not, as the original document stated, “a 20% increase in truth levels over the next 30 days”.

In spite of the mix up, sources close to the President insist that he will stand by the original wording. “Once the President decides on a course, he sticks to it,” said White House spokesperson, Tony Snow, “It’s not a question of what we should do, or what we meant to do. His plan is to simply keep doing what we’re doing, until it eventually works.”

Some analysts believe that the 20% truth surge could bring White House truth levels up from the infinitesimally small amounts that are normally seen to levels that may even be statistically significant. If so, it would be the first measurable quantities of Executive-level truth in the last six years.

“You can rest assured that this plan will be implemented very carefully,” Snow added, addressing concerns that the White House may not be able to function under such difficult conditions, “It’s not like we’re going to do anything crazy, like admit that the war in Iraq was started under false pretenses, or anything like that.” He then laughed nervously and cleared his throat.

The first press release issued under the new system met its truth quota by correctly declaring today’s date and the names of several generals.

The original error is being blamed on a member of the typing pool who, according to the White House, “was probably a Democrat”.

Sources

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Mid Terms

Helpful agents escort one of the detained Congressional Candidates to his next appointment.

WASHINGTON, DC — Less than 24 hours after signing the Military Powers Act into law, President Bush declared 249 Democratic Congressional Candidates to be Enemy Combatants, and ordered that they be immediately rounded up and detained.

They are being held for reasons unknown, at an undisclosed location, for an indeterminate period of time, but the White House insists that they are not being tortured, at least not by any reasonable definition of “torture”. A bit of good natured water-boarding, however, has not been ruled out, at this time.

“This is only a temporary situation,” White House spokesperson Tony Snow stated, during his regular morning press briefing, “I’m sure everything will be quickly sorted out, possibly as early as the 8th or 9th of November.”

In the mean time, the White House is urging everyone to vote as usual in the upcoming mid-term elections. “It is important that we not allow a few dozen potential terrorists to undermine the election process,” Snow stated.

“Besides,” he added in conclusion, “There are still many patriotic candidates available to choose from. Go out and vote for one of them.”

Sources

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USA World Map

Startling new evidence suggests that this world map may not be entirely accurate.

WASHINGTON, DC — The United States, long considered to be the only terrestrial land mass of any significance, may in fact be one of dozens, or even hundreds, of countries that occupy the Earth, if a controversial new report is to be believed.

The existence of these so-called “other countries” has been known since 1941, when America first learned of World War II, and decided to step in and win it for the Allies. Since then however, only a few, such as the U.S.S.R. in the 50’s and Vietnam in the 70’s, have been of any real importance.

The new study, which was prompted by NASA’s recent discovery of an event known as the World Cup, indicates that as much as 30% of the Earth’s surface may be made up of territory that is not part of the United States, and has sent ripples of shock and disbelief throughout the nation.

World class events, such as the World Series and World Championship Wrestling have long been popular in the U.S., but the idea that there might be other such events taking place in these “other countries” has proven unsettling to most Americans.

If these claims are true, it could mean drastic changes to American life, as many things which have been taken for granted would have to be recast in light of this new information. Football, for example, might need to be referred to as American Football, since apparently the rest of the world uses the term for some other game.

The White House responded quickly, by calling on Congress to pass a law that would force these “other countries” to make whatever changes are needed to preserve America’s long-standing traditions.

“Football is football,” President Bush stated, in an impromptu press conference, “I mean, why would you call soccer football? Soccer is soccer. Calling it football is just silly.” He went on to declare that he felt sure that the matter would soon be resolved once and for all, adding, “After all, we were here first.”

When informed that other countries are not subject to U.S. law, the visibly-distressed President had to be helped from the podium by paramedics.

Sources

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Gay Marriage responsible for Global Warming

On 9 June, 2006, in News Parodies, Parodies, by C. Scott Davis
Homosphere

This diagram shows how a buildup of Gaysium Ions within the Homosphere disrupts the natural flow of vital energies to the Earth.

LYNCHBURG, VA (Fox News) — Top scientists from the prestigious Theological Physics Department of Liberty University today announced findings that identify gay marriage as the single largest contributing factor to global warming.

“The indications are all there,” University Weatherologist Dr. Theobald Arquente D.D. told UnNews. “The recent increase in the number of gay marriages has caused the Homosphere’s… uhhh, entropic density to expand, which probably… reversed the… uh, polarity of the, uh, neutron flow, leading to a dramatic increase in temperature.”

“It’s all terribly scientific and complicated, but it clearly shows that gay marriage is the main cause of global warming.”

The University’s Probability and Prophecy department predicts that if the number of gay marriages continues to increase at the current rate, there will be an average of 5 gay marriages per person, by the year 2026.

“By that time, the atmosphere will no longer be able to withstand the weight of the Homosphere, and the Earth will be crushed… probably into a black hole or something,” Dr. Arquente added.

Although the full report is not yet available, University scientists are confident of their preliminary findings.

“Of course, it is just a theory, like evolution or intelligent design, so there is some speculation involved,” Dr. Arquente said in conclusion, “But we did spend many hours of exhaustive research — by which I mean prayer, and used lots of scientific words… Plus, I mean, just look at the chart. It doesn’t get much clearer than that.”

Sources

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