Teenager Arrested for Having Science in Texas School

On 20 September, 2015, in News Parodies, Parodies, by C. Scott Davis

"Science!"

IRVING, TEXAS — A terrified teacher called police Monday, when she discovered that one of her students had brought a science project into her classroom. Thanks to her quick thinking, no other students were threatened by exposure to any potentially harmful scientific principles.

“We certainly can’t have other students thinking that this sort of thing is acceptable,” a school spokesman told reporters. “Sure, it was just a clock this time, but next time it might be something truly dangerous like a fossil or an uncensored text book!”

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LeBron James Sub

Mock-up of one of LeBron James' possible lunch selections.



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LHC Wormhole

Wormhole which leads to a strange Mirror Universe.

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND — Scientists at CERN revealed today that the Large Hadron Collider accidentally created a wormhole to a Mirror Universe.

“This was completely unexpected,” one of the scientists stated, “There was some speculation that the LHC might unravel the fabric of space-time and destroy the Universe, but most of us felt certain that the destruction would be more localised, most likely limited to our Solar System or possibly just the Earth itself. No one anticipated that it would open a portal to a bizarre parallel dimension… This has totally screwed up the office pool.”

“I suppose it’s still possible that the wormhole will collapse into a singularity,” he added, “but I’m not holding my breath. I’m pretty sure I’m just out €10.”

Scientists from the Mirror Universe, who are assisting our scientists in trying to shut down the LHC, are denying rumours that their Universe is some kind of ‘evil’ alternate reality to our own.

“It’s hardly fair to label our Universe as ‘evil’,” said one of the Mirror Universe scientists, during the joint press conference held this morning, “There are difference, of course. For example, in our Universe Betamax became the videotape standard, instead of VHS… Of course, that doesn’t really matter any more, since HD-DVD has made tapes obsolete anyway.”

Protesters outside of CERN have already added ‘Invasion from Mirror Universe’ to the long list of dangers they believe the LHC poses. “You have to keep a close watch on these scientist types,” warned one protester, “One minute they’re opening up gateways to other dimensions, and the next thing you know they’re doing something really dangerous like bouncing Wonderflonium.”

Both sets of scientists insist that the LHC is perfectly safe, or at least as safe as a 27 kilometre super-collider capable of punching a hole in reality can be.

“Everyone can rest assured that we’re all working together to shut down the LHC, as soon as possible,” the Mirror Universe scientist stated “even though the wormhole is absolutely stable and poses no danger whatsoever.”

“Besides,” he added, “I want to get back to my Universe in time to see Gigli 2 on opening night.”

CERN Press Conference

CERN Scientists and their Mirror Universe counterparts hold a joint press conference.

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GWB

For some people, the truth is a very difficult concept.

Washington, DC — In clarification of a previous statement, the White House announced today that the President’s intention had been to call for additional troops and not, as the original document stated, “a 20% increase in truth levels over the next 30 days”.

In spite of the mix up, sources close to the President insist that he will stand by the original wording. “Once the President decides on a course, he sticks to it,” said White House spokesperson, Tony Snow, “It’s not a question of what we should do, or what we meant to do. His plan is to simply keep doing what we’re doing, until it eventually works.”

Some analysts believe that the 20% truth surge could bring White House truth levels up from the infinitesimally small amounts that are normally seen to levels that may even be statistically significant. If so, it would be the first measurable quantities of Executive-level truth in the last six years.

“You can rest assured that this plan will be implemented very carefully,” Snow added, addressing concerns that the White House may not be able to function under such difficult conditions, “It’s not like we’re going to do anything crazy, like admit that the war in Iraq was started under false pretenses, or anything like that.” He then laughed nervously and cleared his throat.

The first press release issued under the new system met its truth quota by correctly declaring today’s date and the names of several generals.

The original error is being blamed on a member of the typing pool who, according to the White House, “was probably a Democrat”.

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MPAA cracks down on illegal gene sequence

On 3 May, 2007, in News Parodies, Parodies, by C. Scott Davis
Bainwol

Some people, such as this one, may possess illegal DNA.

Hollywood, CA — The Motion Picture Association of America today announced that they have identified an illegal gene sequence within the DNA of some humans. When converted from Base4 amino acid chains to a Base16 number, the sequence AAGC TTGC ACAC AAAG GCTC CTCA TGAT CCGT TCGA CAAC CCCG TACC CGAT CCCG GAGA TAAA represents a code which can be used to hack the AACS encryption on HD-DVD and Blu-Ray discs, and is thus a violation of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act.

“They are out there right now, just walking around with this illicit code in every cell of their body,” stated MPAA Spokesperson Kori Bernards, “The fact that these people continue to live shows a blatant disregard for our intellectual property.”

The MPAA has begun issuing cease-and-desist orders to known offenders, and plans to implement mandatory DNA testing at all cinemas and video rental stores by the end of the month.

“We simply will not tolerate this kind of infringement of our copyrights,” Bernards concluded, “And with the help of the US Justice Department and the RIAA, we will track down and prosecute all offenders.”

Under the DMCA, anyone found in possession of the illegal gene sequence may be subject to fines up to $100,000. Distribution of the code, by sexual reproduction or organ donation, could result in prison sentences of up to 5 years.

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Death Fridge

Captain America's "death fridge", containing hot dogs, apple pie, and Super-Soldier Serum.

NEW YORK, NY — Steve Rogers (aka “Captain America”) was found dead today in his Manhattan apartment, in what is expected to be the first of many Daylight-Saving-Time-related deaths.

Neighbours were shocked to discover that Rogers, age 66, was the secret identity of the iconic American superhero. “I always thought he seemed very fit for someone his age, but Captain America? No way! To think I’ve been living across the hall from him all of these years, and I had no idea!”

Forensic experts believe that confusion over the early-onset of Daylight Saving Time may have resulted in an accidental overdose of Super-Soldier Serum, causing a fatal shock to his system. “This Super-Soldier Serum is some pretty powerful stuff anyway, but there was simply no way that he could survive a double dose at his age.”

Recent reports from somewhat reliable sources report that Captain America may not be the only superhero affected by the change in Daylight Saving Time. Word is that Spiderman’s Spidey Sense is now warning him of dangers which occurred up to an hour earlier, and there are rumours of other similar problems throughout the superhero community.

Captain America is survived by two goldfish and a cat named Bucky jr.

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Playing with your Wii

This is what can happen if you "play with your Wii" too much.

GENEVA, Switzerland — Doctors at the World Health Organisation today issued a Health Advisory outlining the possible health risks associated with excessively “playing with your Wii”.

Although there is no conclusive evidence that “playing with your Wii” is harmful, in and of itself, several potentially serious conditions may occur if you “play with your Wii” too much, including muscle cramps, calluses, and in some extreme cases, even blindness and public ridicule.

In addition, there is also the danger that if you “play with with your Wii” too vigorously, you might break it.

The WHO suggests the following safety tips, in order to avoid Wii-related injuries:

  • Always “play with your Wii” in private. There is nothing more embarrassing that having your parents walk in on you, while you’re “playing with your Wii”.
  • Make sure you’re in a comfortable position. Half of all Wii-related injuries are the result of “playing with your Wii” in an awkward or uncomfortable position.
  • Take frequent breaks. “Playing with your Wii” can be a lot of fun, but you shouldn’t overdo it.
  • Be gentle with your Wii. Sure, it can take a lot, but it’s more sensitive than it looks.
  • Switch hands. Many problems can be avoided by not always using the same hand. Sometimes you can even use both hands.
  • Don’t brag about your Wii. Nobody wants to hear you bragging about how great your Wii is… especially if you really do use both hands.
  • Never “play with someone else’s Wii” without asking first.

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Mid Terms

Helpful agents escort one of the detained Congressional Candidates to his next appointment.

WASHINGTON, DC — Less than 24 hours after signing the Military Powers Act into law, President Bush declared 249 Democratic Congressional Candidates to be Enemy Combatants, and ordered that they be immediately rounded up and detained.

They are being held for reasons unknown, at an undisclosed location, for an indeterminate period of time, but the White House insists that they are not being tortured, at least not by any reasonable definition of “torture”. A bit of good natured water-boarding, however, has not been ruled out, at this time.

“This is only a temporary situation,” White House spokesperson Tony Snow stated, during his regular morning press briefing, “I’m sure everything will be quickly sorted out, possibly as early as the 8th or 9th of November.”

In the mean time, the White House is urging everyone to vote as usual in the upcoming mid-term elections. “It is important that we not allow a few dozen potential terrorists to undermine the election process,” Snow stated.

“Besides,” he added in conclusion, “There are still many patriotic candidates available to choose from. Go out and vote for one of them.”

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UPN marks final broadcast with “classic” shows

On 5 September, 2006, in News Parodies, Parodies, by C. Scott Davis
Old UPN Logo

These letters can be rearranged to spell PUN... and also NUP... but that's probably not actually a real word. PUN is though, which is kind of cool.

LOS ANGELES, CA — Following the WB’s recent announcement of special programming on its final night of broadcasting, UPN announced today that it would be marking its last night in a similar fashion, by rebroadcasting the pilot episodes of Mullets, Homeboys in Outer Space, and The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer.

“Those WB guys aren’t the only ones with memorable shows,” said UPN Spokesperson Esel Stummer, “After all, we’ve had such unforgettable series as South Beach, Marker, and Shasta McNasty, not to mention my personal favourite Love Boat: The Next Wave.”

UPN will air the pilots on Friday, 15 September, before signing off and ceasing operation.

The biggest challenge, according to Stummer, was narrowing the selection of shows to fit the 5-hour block of time they had available. “Of course, Homeboys and Desmond Pfeiffer were no-brainers, but how do you choose between shows like Platypus Man and Swift Justice?” Stummer added, “I can tell you, it wasn’t easy.”

This will be the first chance that viewers have have had to see these classic UPN shows, since their original broadcasts. “We were really surprised that no one had obtained the syndication rights yet, but that bit of good luck is what made this farewell special possible.”

Because they were unable to procure advertisers for the special, UPN plans to include all of the commercials that ran when the shows were first broadcast.

“It actually makes things a lot easier, since we won’t really have to do any editing,” stated Stummer, “Besides, we think viewers will get a kick out of seeing what ads were like way back in 1995.”

So far, none of UPN’s 143 affiliate stations have agreed to air the final broadcast. “I admit, we didn’t get the response we’d hoped for,” Stummer said, in conclusion, “but we’re still optimistic, and we feel sure that they’ll get onboard as we get closer to the 15th. We’re also looking into a possible DVD release.”

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God sues Westboro Baptist Church

On 2 August, 2006, in News Parodies, Parodies, by C. Scott Davis
God hates figs

Members of the Westboro Baptist Church spread their message of hatred and bad spelling.

HEAVEN — God (aka “Yahweh”, aka “Jehovah”, aka “Allah”), creator of the Universe and founder of at least three of the world’s major religions, today filed a lawsuit against Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church for Libel, Slander, and Defamation of Character.

“They’re saying some pretty awful things about Me,” God stated, during a press conference, held outside the pearly gates, “I’ll admit that when I was younger, I was pretty angry sometimes, and I might’ve said and done a few things that I regret now, but the truth is, I don’t hate anyone. I’m a loving God, and I think anyone who really knows Me will tell you that. I’m simply not about hate.”

“Who does God think He is anyway?” responded WBC Spokesperson Shirley Phelps-Roper, as she put the finishing touches on the church’s new ‘God Hates God’ signs, “If He persists with this frivolous lawsuit, He can rest assured that God will strike Him down.”

The WBC claims, among other things, that God hates homosexuals, hates America, kills US soldiers, and sends destructive weather such as Hurricane Katrina to punish us for our sins.

“It simply isn’t true,” God continued, “I mean, these people do understand how weather works, right? Sure, I set the whole system in motion a long time ago, but I certainly don’t control every individual storm. Oh, and that bit about figs? I love figs. I think they’re delicious. I especially like those tiny little cakes with the fig in the middle. Those are brilliant!”

Upon hearing the initial evidence, the judge issued a Temporary Injunction, ordering the WBC to immediately Cease and Desist distributing or otherwise displaying any signs, banners or pamphlets which claim to know the Will of God, and to remove all references to God from their web site and other literature, until the case is resolved.

“If they hate gay people so much,” God said, in conclusion, “Let them put that on their signs. Just leave Me out of it.”

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