Raptu-lert

On 16 November, 2006, in Other Parodies, Parodies, by C. Scott Davis
Raptu-lert

During the Rapture, seconds count. Give yourself the peace of mind that you can only get from Raptu-lert!

There are several systems on the market that claim to provide a 30-second to 2-minute warning of impending Rapture. The most popular of these is the Raptu-lert (pictured), which also has a battery backup and 3-year warranty (although actual Rapture-protection is not guaranteed).

The Raptu-lert has three modes that determine which type of alarm will sound, in case of Rapture:

  • Tone – A very loud, obnoxious bleeping sound.
  • Voice – A voice (probably Jesus, however the manual doesn’t specify) shouting “Repent! Repent!”
  • Radio – The nearest Christian radio station.

Rumour has it that the original alarm featured Jesus announcing “I’m coming! I’m coming! Oh, God! I’m coming!” but since the manufacturer has denied it and the first batch of Raptu-lerts were recalled to the factory (supposedly for a minor defect in the test button), there’s no way to confirm this.

Following the huge success of the Raptu-lert, the manufacturer has announced plans to produce a smaller, portable version, which can be carried as a key-chain, and is expected to be available during the first quarter of 2008 (barring imminent Rapture prior to the release date).

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