GWB

For some people, the truth is a very difficult concept.

Washington, DC — In clarification of a previous statement, the White House announced today that the President’s intention had been to call for additional troops and not, as the original document stated, “a 20% increase in truth levels over the next 30 days”.

In spite of the mix up, sources close to the President insist that he will stand by the original wording. “Once the President decides on a course, he sticks to it,” said White House spokesperson, Tony Snow, “It’s not a question of what we should do, or what we meant to do. His plan is to simply keep doing what we’re doing, until it eventually works.”

Some analysts believe that the 20% truth surge could bring White House truth levels up from the infinitesimally small amounts that are normally seen to levels that may even be statistically significant. If so, it would be the first measurable quantities of Executive-level truth in the last six years.

“You can rest assured that this plan will be implemented very carefully,” Snow added, addressing concerns that the White House may not be able to function under such difficult conditions, “It’s not like we’re going to do anything crazy, like admit that the war in Iraq was started under false pretenses, or anything like that.” He then laughed nervously and cleared his throat.

The first press release issued under the new system met its truth quota by correctly declaring today’s date and the names of several generals.

The original error is being blamed on a member of the typing pool who, according to the White House, “was probably a Democrat”.

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MPAA cracks down on illegal gene sequence

On 3 May, 2007, in News Parodies, Parodies, by C. Scott Davis
Bainwol

Some people, such as this one, may possess illegal DNA.

Hollywood, CA — The Motion Picture Association of America today announced that they have identified an illegal gene sequence within the DNA of some humans. When converted from Base4 amino acid chains to a Base16 number, the sequence AAGC TTGC ACAC AAAG GCTC CTCA TGAT CCGT TCGA CAAC CCCG TACC CGAT CCCG GAGA TAAA represents a code which can be used to hack the AACS encryption on HD-DVD and Blu-Ray discs, and is thus a violation of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act.

“They are out there right now, just walking around with this illicit code in every cell of their body,” stated MPAA Spokesperson Kori Bernards, “The fact that these people continue to live shows a blatant disregard for our intellectual property.”

The MPAA has begun issuing cease-and-desist orders to known offenders, and plans to implement mandatory DNA testing at all cinemas and video rental stores by the end of the month.

“We simply will not tolerate this kind of infringement of our copyrights,” Bernards concluded, “And with the help of the US Justice Department and the RIAA, we will track down and prosecute all offenders.”

Under the DMCA, anyone found in possession of the illegal gene sequence may be subject to fines up to $100,000. Distribution of the code, by sexual reproduction or organ donation, could result in prison sentences of up to 5 years.

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