prehistoric_spiderweb

Scientists believe that the web probably once looked like this.

BARCELONA, SPAIN — An orb spider, dating back 110 million years to the time of the dinosaurs, may offer exciting clues about early porcines, according to a recent report. The spider, which scientists have dubbed Araneus Charlotta, was found preserved in amber, along with a portion of its web.

The web, possibly the oldest on record, has led some scientists to speculate that prehistoric pigs may have been vastly superior to the animal we know today.

“The web isn’t intact, of course,” stated Dr. Fern Arable, who is heading up the project, “but there’s clearly some writing there… especially if you turn your head and squint a bit.”

The exact text has been a subject for debate among the team, with some believing it to spell “RADIANT”, others “TERRIFIC”, and some even “HUMBLE”. The current consensus, however is that it says “SOME PIG”.

“That first bit is definitely an ‘S’,” Dr. Arable added, “I don’t see how anyone could say that’s not an ‘S’.”

The find dates back to the Early Cretaceous period, a time which was previously believed to pre-date the earliest known porcine species.

“That’s what’s so terribly exciting,” remarked Dr. Arable, “There may have been these extraordinary pigs, living millions of years ago, and we knew nothing about them… until now.”

At the moment, the scientific community is divided over the initial report. Most believe, as Dr. Arable does, that this is a clear indication of an exceptional species of early pigs. Some, however, insist that it’s actually the spider that’s remarkable.

“That’s just crazy,” Dr. Arable said, in conclusion, “Doesn’t it just make sense that these pigs would have to be pretty amazing for this spider to feel the need to write about them? I certainly think so.”

Dr. Arable and her team are currently seeking a grant to continue their research.

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Teenager seeks Restraining Order against Jesus

On 15 June, 2006, in News Parodies, Parodies, by C. Scott Davis
Jesus

Jesus Christ: Messiah or Stalker?

LOUDONVILLE, GA — American high school student Brett Samhause today filed a restraining order against Jesus of Nazareth, aka Jesus “the Christ”, claiming that the former carpenter and founder of the Christian Church unlawfully spied on him and invaded his privacy.

“I know He’s my Lord and Saviour and all,” Samhause told reporters outside the Haven County courthouse, “But He was always watching me, and that’s just creepy.”

Although the injunction claims that Jesus watched him bathe and perform other intimate activities, Samhause insists that he wasn’t doing anything sinful. “It’s not that I was doing anything I wouldn’t want Him to see,” Samhause stated, “I just don’t want Him watching me all the time.”

Similar charges were made against Father Christmas in 1996, leading to lawsuits in 34 countries, including People v. Kringle, in which the US Supreme Court awarded a staggering one billion US dollars (approximately £540 million GBP) in damages. Kringle, who (like Jesus) has numerous aliases, is believed to currently be hiding somewhere in the Arctic Circle.

“It’s high time these people realise that this sort of behaviour simply won’t be tolerated,” added Samhause’s lawyer, who had accompanied him to the courthouse, “Jesus, if you’re watching, and I know you are, just leave my client alone.”

The presence of Samhause’s attorney has fueled speculation that he may be preparing to file a civil suit against the Son of God. As the only known heir to Jehovah’s vast fortune, rumoured to include the entire Universe, Jesus’ net worth may be infinite, which His followers say makes him an obvious target for frivolous lawsuits.

When asked about the possibility of litigation, Samhause’s lawyer declined to comment.

Under the terms of the order, Jesus must maintain a distance of at least 100 yards (91 metres) from Brett Samhause at all times, and is not allowed to contact him in any way.

“I just want my life back,” Samhause said in conclusion.

If he violates the order, Jesus could be subject to fines of up to US$10,000 (about £5400 GPB) or 1 year in prison.

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USA World Map

Startling new evidence suggests that this world map may not be entirely accurate.

WASHINGTON, DC — The United States, long considered to be the only terrestrial land mass of any significance, may in fact be one of dozens, or even hundreds, of countries that occupy the Earth, if a controversial new report is to be believed.

The existence of these so-called “other countries” has been known since 1941, when America first learned of World War II, and decided to step in and win it for the Allies. Since then however, only a few, such as the U.S.S.R. in the 50’s and Vietnam in the 70’s, have been of any real importance.

The new study, which was prompted by NASA’s recent discovery of an event known as the World Cup, indicates that as much as 30% of the Earth’s surface may be made up of territory that is not part of the United States, and has sent ripples of shock and disbelief throughout the nation.

World class events, such as the World Series and World Championship Wrestling have long been popular in the U.S., but the idea that there might be other such events taking place in these “other countries” has proven unsettling to most Americans.

If these claims are true, it could mean drastic changes to American life, as many things which have been taken for granted would have to be recast in light of this new information. Football, for example, might need to be referred to as American Football, since apparently the rest of the world uses the term for some other game.

The White House responded quickly, by calling on Congress to pass a law that would force these “other countries” to make whatever changes are needed to preserve America’s long-standing traditions.

“Football is football,” President Bush stated, in an impromptu press conference, “I mean, why would you call soccer football? Soccer is soccer. Calling it football is just silly.” He went on to declare that he felt sure that the matter would soon be resolved once and for all, adding, “After all, we were here first.”

When informed that other countries are not subject to U.S. law, the visibly-distressed President had to be helped from the podium by paramedics.

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Gay Marriage responsible for Global Warming

On 9 June, 2006, in News Parodies, Parodies, by C. Scott Davis
Homosphere

This diagram shows how a buildup of Gaysium Ions within the Homosphere disrupts the natural flow of vital energies to the Earth.

LYNCHBURG, VA (Fox News) — Top scientists from the prestigious Theological Physics Department of Liberty University today announced findings that identify gay marriage as the single largest contributing factor to global warming.

“The indications are all there,” University Weatherologist Dr. Theobald Arquente D.D. told UnNews. “The recent increase in the number of gay marriages has caused the Homosphere’s… uhhh, entropic density to expand, which probably… reversed the… uh, polarity of the, uh, neutron flow, leading to a dramatic increase in temperature.”

“It’s all terribly scientific and complicated, but it clearly shows that gay marriage is the main cause of global warming.”

The University’s Probability and Prophecy department predicts that if the number of gay marriages continues to increase at the current rate, there will be an average of 5 gay marriages per person, by the year 2026.

“By that time, the atmosphere will no longer be able to withstand the weight of the Homosphere, and the Earth will be crushed… probably into a black hole or something,” Dr. Arquente added.

Although the full report is not yet available, University scientists are confident of their preliminary findings.

“Of course, it is just a theory, like evolution or intelligent design, so there is some speculation involved,” Dr. Arquente said in conclusion, “But we did spend many hours of exhaustive research — by which I mean prayer, and used lots of scientific words… Plus, I mean, just look at the chart. It doesn’t get much clearer than that.”

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