Santa Cthulhu’s Coming to Town
to the tune of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”
(transposed into a minor key)
You better not run
You’ll just make it worse
Luckiest ones
will be eaten first
Santa Cthulhu’s coming to town
There isn’t a list
So take my advice;
He doesn’t care
who’s naughty or nice
Santa Cthulhu’s coming to town
He’ll eat you when you’re sleeping
He’ll find you if you hide
Devour us all, both bad and good
It’ll be humanocide!
O! You better not run
You’ll just make it worse
Luckiest ones
will be eaten first
Santa Cthulhu’s coming–
Santa Cthulhu’s coming–
Santa Cthulhu’s coming to town
IRVING, TEXAS — A terrified teacher called police Monday, when she discovered that one of her students had brought a science project into her classroom. Thanks to her quick thinking, no other students were threatened by exposure to any potentially harmful scientific principles.
“We certainly can’t have other students thinking that this sort of thing is acceptable,” a school spokesman told reporters. “Sure, it was just a clock this time, but next time it might be something truly dangerous like a fossil or an uncensored text book!”
VATICAN CITY — In an exciting declaration, Pope Francis I stated that the CBS sitcom is “one of the funniest shows on television”, while unboxing a vintage Spock action figure that he had recently purchased on eBay. Pope Francis also stated that enjoyment of The Big Bang Theory is not incompatible with any of the other fine programming on the Tiffany Network.
“When we watch one of the numerous CSI’s or an NCIS, we run the risk of imagining that dramas are the only things to watch. But that is not so,” Francis said. He continued by stating that CBS “has a fine selection of comedies and The Big Bang Theory is, by far, my favourite.”
The Pope’s endorsement is expected to have far-reaching effects in television programming, as this is the first time a sitting Pope has given his opinion of a public performance, since Pope Clement VIII complained that Hamlet “dragged on a bit”.
BLAINE, GA — After much speculation, the elusive Higgs Bosom was revealed today, when a local teenager discovered her tanning in her yard, at approximately 10am this morning. “I had no idea that Ms. Higgs sunbathed topless,” the excited teen reported, “I was just walking by her house and there she was!”
Some are already calling this the most significant discovery since finding his mother’s Parental Controls password, but others doubt the veracity of his claim. “He’s lying,” a source close to the boy stated, “I go by there all the time and I’ve never seen anything.”
Further study of the phenomenon is expected, at least through the end of bathing-suit season.
“Can Bruce Banner handle the stress of putting on a Broadway musical or will he literally bring down the house?”
“If you’re having software troubles
I feel bad for you, son.
I got 99 programs
but a glitch ain’t one.”
"My journey is ended! This planet shall sustain me until it has been drained of all elemental life! So speaks Galactus!"
Mock-up of one of LeBron James' possible lunch selections.
Sources
- “LeBron James Announcement Slated For ESPN Special” • The Huffington Post • 6 July, 2010
- “Food Network Announces New Shows” • ALL TV News • 21 April, 2009
image created by Mark Davis
Mr. Hayward / Congressman Barton
to the tune of “Uncle Albert / Admiral Halsey” by Paul & Linda McCartney
We’re so sorry Mr. Hayward
We’re so sorry for this awful tragedy
We’re so sorry Mr. Hayward
And I really am ashamed
Of how the White House treats BP
We’re so sorry that they’re shaking you down this way
We’re so Sorry Mr. Hayward
How can we live in a country that would do this kind of thing?
We’re so sorry Mr. Hayward
That the President has asked BP to pay
We’re so sorry Mr. Hayward
But with Democrats in charge we just can never get our way
Oil is in the water (water)
Oil is in the sand
Oil is in the water (water)
Oil is in the sand
Congressman Barton wasn’t the first
To say it was a shakedown, ‘cos some have called it worse
But he’s the only one who took it far enough to apologise (apologise?)
(he’d better take it back or we’ll all be demonised)
Oil is in the water (water)
Oil is in the sand
Oil is in the water (water)
Oil is in the sand
Put it all behind you then you’ll drill again (drill again)
That’s the way it’s always been
Soon or later, drill again
Put it all behind you then you’ll drill again (drill again)
That’s the way it’s always been
Soon or later, drill again
Oil is in the water (water)
Oil is in the sand
Oil is in the water (water)
Oil is in the sand
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